By Riley Beckham, Peer Research Ambassador
Almost a year and a half ago, I was nearing the end of my sophomore year at UConn. As an Electrical Engineering major, I was getting my first look at upper division course work, finally starting to peel back the curtain on what people in my field do on a daily basis. I’ll be honest; it terrified me.
I, like most people, don’t like the feeling of not understanding something. Worse still is the feeling of not even being able to describe your lack of understanding, because that would require you to understand any number of other complicated things to put your ignorance in context. It’s a feeling rife with anxiety, and it is this uneasy feeling that washed over me as I continued to work through my courses in the Spring of 2022. Had I made the wrong choice of major? Was this just not in the cards for me? Was I to blame, was it some failure on my part, some personal defect? Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for this…
I knew these questions were normal to an extent, especially at the halfway mark of my undergraduate journey. But that did little to allay my fears, and another question began to burn into my mind; What can I do to make this feeling go away?
Eventually, I was convinced by people close to me to investigate the possibility of getting involved in research. Several of my friends had great experiences with research, and they thought I could get something positive out of it. At first, I was very hesitant. “Who would want to take me on as a researcher?”, I remember thinking to myself. “I don’t know anything. I’m barely keeping up with my classes and I have no confidence in my knowledge or experience.” Despite these misgivings, after a brief search process and some exploratory meetings with faculty, I managed to land a summer job as an undergraduate research assistant at the UConn Eversource Energy Center.
Fast forward about 14 months later. I have worked as a researcher is one form or another for almost a year, and along with two other UConn undergraduates, I have contributed to a paper that has been accepted for publication and presentation at one of the largest academic conferences in my field, a conference I have the honor and privilege to attend to represent my research team and present the findings of our work.
All this from the guy who barely a year before was immensely insecure about his academic performance and was convinced no one would want to work with him as a researcher. So, what gives?
I have learned a great many things by participating in research at UConn, but the most profound lesson is this: everyone starts off not knowing anything. I have been privileged to work with Dr. Zongjie Wang in all my research endeavors, and one of the first things she impressed upon me was that it was okay for me to be confused; it was okay to be taken aback and not know where to begin in understanding a topic. She always encouraged me to come to her with any and all questions, and she made it very clear that my first priority was to learn and gain experience: contributing to research, while important, would come with time. To Dr. Wang, my ignorance was not a vice to be ashamed of, but an opportunity to learn and grow.
This attitude was a revelation for me. I began (slowly at first) to become more comfortable with the idea of not knowing anything about a topic of interest, of being confused and unsure; instead of hiding and being ashamed of my ignorance on a topic of research, I began to see it as an indicator that I was moving in the right direction. This instinct has come to serve me well as I continue to take higher level engineering courses and begin to have my first experiences working as an engineer in industry.
I’m certainly nowhere near perfect after all that, but my time in research has helped to me to be more accepting of myself when I don’t know something, and it’s really quite astonishing the effect this has had, both on my self-esteem and my ability to be a conscious, active student.
In our modern world of constant connection, where facts and information can flow from a cell phone like water from a faucet, the idea of not knowing, of being left out of the discussion, is a terrifying prospect. Scarier still is the idea of other people being aware of your ignorance. Your instinct may be to keep quiet, to not say anything that could reveal your lack of understanding. Yet to realize you are ignorant, to become aware that your knowledge on a topic is left wanting, is one of the great privileges of human existence. For with this realization, you can set about the business of learning. You will have the opportunity to embark on a great voyage of discovery, and on this journey, you may find wisdom and knowledge in places you never thought to look before. This process will excite you; it will terrify you; it will certainly humble you, but most importantly it will give you the opportunity to prove to yourself that you are far more capable than you ever thought possible.
With this, I say embrace your ignorance, lean into it. Stand on the precipice and allow it to compel you to take that leap of self-improvement, of self-discovery. In so doing, despite your deepest insecurities, you just might learn to fly.
Riley is a senior majoring in Electrical Engineering. Click here to learn more about Riley.